Samantha (omoffdm) wrote,

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i have got to be the worst person alive right now. normally when your with someone your suppose to make them happy beyond belief. and me i do the opposite. what the hell is wrong with me? i've ran out of possible answers and i've ran out possible explanations but nothing is fixing me. it's my brain. i'm really starting to believe it's not functioning properly. it's getting worse than what it has been. i make stupid little fights or shall i say my brain does. i can't say that i try hard enough to prevent it but if your brain is messed up how can you keep the light switch from flickering on and off. maybe i should of accepted help from my dad back in the day and i would be fine now. i wouldn't be hurting people that i love. people that i love so much. I am ridiculous at times. I get angry for no reason. And i don't control my thoughts properly. I'm tired of freaking out around large masses of people. I'm tired of feeling one thing one moment to a total flipped side of that emotion. I really am broken. Thanks Mom for all those years of mental and physical abuse. You ruined me and know that your done your passing it onto me to ruin myself and a good happy life. I feel completely awful and i only have myself to blame. I can only blame myself for having one of the defected brains. This needs end. It needs to end right now or everything great amazing that i have now will be gone. I don't know who to talk to though. If i start explaining i don't want to be judged or ridiculed right away and be casted as a martyr. I just need someone to listen to my thoughts and feelings and what i think is going on and only hope if they really listened to me that they could help. I can't communicate well with friends or family. I'm pretty much ashamed to even say anything. When I was younger whenever i would tell my mom that something was wrong she'd always and i mean always say "Your fine, it's all in your head". I hated when she would say that to me. Hey guess what mom, i'm not fine! You know, for the first time ever, i've found someone that i'm comfortable with and wouldn't mind doing anything for them and i'm just sabotaging my happiness. i don't know why i do the things i do sometimes. i wish i knew the answer. I'm just sick of it. I need to change, i can't live like this anymore. There's got to be a solution somewhere. I will not be hopelessly deranged for the rest of my life. I'll actually end up going crazy if I keep this up. I don't want to. All I want it to be normal and have normal feelings like everyone else.
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