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Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:A quiet night.
Time:5:56 pm.
Mood: good.
Ah, Good evening dearest Livejournal. Long time no write eh? At least I still think of you every 53 weeks to be exact. You know it's one of those thoughtful evenings where you know just think about everything when you don't want to. Here I sit at work mind you at 20 to 6 and the office is empty. No radios, no pointless chatter, and just desolate quiet. I enjoy this time I have on Tuesday (bowling nights, yes!). Sometimes, it's just better being alone. Or at this point it's not. I woke up this morning and felt awesome. It was weird. I always wake up tired and the ugh I don't want to go to that place today but you have to because well you know bills and the such. I was fine until I sifted through FB, saw his face, and you know purposely well not to but *click*. It's unbelievable how much that still kills me. It's even more unbelievable of how much he makes my heart race. I've yet to find that in anyone else. Nor do I think I want to. It's a scary feeling. Depressing feeling. Wishing it was different feeling.I still wake up from dreams about him. It's like a ghost is haunting me or just those 2 mirrors I broke way back when catching up to me with that bad luck. I miss my friends a lot. It's like a big empty hole inside me. New friends are great and I cherish them just as much as old ones but it's not the same. With old friends you go way back, experience "first's" (dance's, boyfriends, fights, etc.), hanging out, and all the weird fashion's. Somethings just can't be replaced. That's a hard lesson life. I wish I've done things differently, said the right words and not the wrong ones, acted differently, just wish I could change things that already happen. Yo, Jesus, where's my time machine at?! Not yet possible. Ick, that reminds me of the 520pages of The Time Travelers Wife which was 238pages too long. ::sigh:: I don't know what to do anymore. I wish there was a magic 8 ball to tell me which path to take. If only life was so simple. However, this may sound sad, I'm not feeling that right now. Don't misconstrue me, please. I've started bowling again which reminded me how much I LOVE and MISSED it. It was one thing missing from my life and it makes it good. I'm in first for everything. Not surprising there. Ha! I've gots me a tourney in April that I WILL win money at...LOTS and LOTS of money...So, that is good. Plus having the title of Pennsylvania's Women's Bowling Champion sounds pretty hot to me. Go Sammie! Alas, it is time for me to depart so until another 53 weeks or shorter time, I bid you adieu.

Sunday, November 16th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Time:6:56 pm.
Mood:ugh.
I have been ignoring this for over a week and i don't think i can let this eat at me anymore. I've been drowning all my thoughts in literary make believe fairy tale land. What it all comes down to really is that I feel so alone. Like I have no one I can possibly talk to that would be on the same level of understanding exactly what I feel. Even sitting here staring at the screen I cannot the process the words that aides in my defeat. Yes, I'm defeated. Whatever I had left in me, light, happiness, and love is completely gone. My chest is hollowed out to a pit of nothingness coated in black steal plating. No one can get in which there's no way out. I'm not saying I don't have things that make me remotely happy it's the things the person took with them that I cannot get back. I'm sure this makes no sense since technically I am beating around the bush. I don't like sharing exactly what's wrong, ever.

Just a side thought, i read a memoir a few weeks ago called Dear Diary, she noted that a journal is ment to document the bad things in life bc when things are going good you don't feel the need to write about it.

i find that to be true, because it is true.

Back to the general point of this. I'm just going to let go and say it all.










Brian has really fucked me up. I've been hurt badly before VERY bad but all of that put together does not compare to what I wake up with every single god damn day. I can't grasp on one dominant emotion to what I should feel towards him for punching his fist into my chest ripping my heart out throwing it on the ground jumping on it to a mushy pulp and lighting it on fire leaving the ashes to blow away in the wind. It's a constant battle of you should hate his guts and spit in his face that goes into how dare you think that because you don't mean it because you love him. Love. I don't think I can fathom that word anymore. I know I don't think highly of myself but I have tried. There's been five different men that I have walked away from because they weren't him. They were perfectly fine, nice, charming, good looking chaps but none of them made me feel the way he has. I don't want to hear that oh you should just try to get out there. I lived in Philly and did plenty of that. And I tried really hard. But everything comes back to how he made me feel. I've never felt so happy and whole in my life. And it's all gone. I don't know how many times I cry myself to sleep because it just kills me so much. No one in this world would ever understand this unless it has happened to them. No one could ever possibly understand what it feels like to look into the eyes that they so beloved adore and cherish with all your being to listen to them say I just don't love you, all because you like to do somethings I don't. It is utterly gut wrenching and makes me sick to keep thinking about that. But no matter how many times i yell at myself "He doesn't love you or give a shit about you, you fool." I still yearn for him. It's utterly ridiculous. With everyone else it was so easy to hate them so much and cast them away from mind. But not Brian. I can't continue this entry. Maybe another time.

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:why am i not surprised?
Time:10:27 am.
Mood: disappointed.
Moved home, no one cared.
Graduated friday, surprise surprise no one cared.

Now, i don't feel guilty just packing everything I own and move far away.



I do have a lot more to say. But i'll just leave it at this.

Saturday, August 2nd, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:Discovery
Time:3:04 pm.
Mood: depressed.
So i just noticed i can update from my phone since i have no internet. This could be useful. ps thank you for breaking your promise. Unreliable asshole.

Sunday, July 20th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Time:1:40 pm.
I think I need to go away. Far far far away and never return. There is nothing here for me or possibly anywhere. I don't want to live like this anymore. Maybe i should just end everything. Cut out the world and just work myself to death. Nobody really cares about me and don't even notice if i'm around most of the time. I think i've met my end.

I don't want to live anymore.

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:...
Time:1:19 pm.
Tonight, Portfolio Review.

:'[




Good Luck Sam, since you suck at life.

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

(2 Lost their breaths | Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:...
Time:8:30 pm.
Mood:Somebody make this stop..
no text, call, or email...

Sunday, June 1st, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:..
Time:4:57 pm.
Mood: angry.
another thought...

i feel like everyone is on his side...


which makes me feel even more alone.




...no one will ever listen nor understand me.



I'm so torn apart inside, i don't care how i'm perceived right now. When the person your suppose to be with rips your heart out, then, then and only then anyone will ever begin to understand how i feel.

miserable/crushed/a lil bit angry.

(1 Lost their breath | Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:...
Time:4:45 pm.
Mood: crushed.
I am miserable.

I feel like crying but i cant. There's nothing left in me to cry. I really miss him so much. And it hurts even more that he doesn't miss me at all. all i ever wanted from life was to accept people to love me and love them back. at my rate, i'll never know what that feels like. everything is looking very pointless to me. i have so much to do still and yet i don't want to do it, because it really is just pointless. i just don't know. i'm not making any sense to myself. i need help.


:'[

<X3 Katie is coming to visit me to cheer me up. I'm glad someone cares.

Friday, May 30th, 2008

(1 Lost their breath | Cough Cough Cough it up)

Time:12:42 am.
Mood: depressed.
The only good thing i have to say is...

I made an ad for the photography department of my school. It was for a contest and they picked mine. It will be printed in over 2000 issues for the next 2 years and be distributed all over the Philadelphia Area.

How many people get the chance to say that? Not many.


This was a shock to me. I felt like shit and the last thing i wanted to do was enter a damn contest. I was not in the designing mood.

My teacher emailed me Tuesday that everyone liked it. I wasn't expecting that.

5 days till portfolio review. oh joy. :-/

Tuesday, May 20th, 2008

(9 Lost their breaths | Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:...
Time:1:32 am.
Mood: crushed.
i say i love you

response: haha nice

me-HORRIFIED!

what...

i'm heart broken. :'[

this blows.

Sunday, May 18th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:I'm sorry...
Time:11:27 pm.
Mood:i can't say anymore.
It's so hard to say that I'm sorry. I'll make everything alright. All these things that I've done. Now what have I become, and where'd I go wrong? I don't mean to hurt, just to put you first. I won't tell you lies (I'm sorry). I will stand accused. With my hand on my heart. I'm just trying to say. I'm sorry. It's all that I can say. You mean so much. And I'd fix all that I've done. If I could start again. I'd throw it all away. To the shadows of regrets. And you would have the best of me. I know that I can't take back all of the mistakes. But I will try. Although it's not easy. I know you believe me. Cause I would not lie. Don't believe their lies. Told through jealous eyes. They don't understand (I'm sorry). I won't break your heart. I won't bring you down. But I will have to say. I'm sorry
It's all that I can say. You mean so much. And I'd fix all that I've done. If I could start again. I'd throw it all away. To the shadows of regrets. And you would have the best of me. I'm sorry. It's all that I can say. You mean so much. And I'd fix all that I've done. If I could start again. I'd throw it all away. To the shadows of regrets. And you would have the best of me

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:...
Time:10:32 pm.
Mood:okay..
i wrote a story today....thought i would share it...there's a pattern to it..if you notice it than your awesome!

“Secret Pocket”
Always raining on the Monday’s you never want to wake up, but still I put on my black pea coat and walk out the door. Balancing grief and daily work issues makes these dim rainy days impeccable and the packed subway ride claustrophobic.
“Closing Doors,” say’s the train operator as I find a space to grab onto a germ-infested bar so I wouldn’t fall into other passengers.
Dandruffy men in cheap suits and bathed in cologne surround me and all I feel like doing is screaming at the top of my lungs and running back to an empty bed with a box full of tissues.
“Edison Station,” say’s the train operator as I only have five more stops till I’m bound to the constraints of work.
Failure feels like it’s imprinted on my face; I can never succeed in the world of relationships, and this one mattered the most; I had the real thing. Glancing around the train, people get off more people get on all brushing and pushing people against me. Home is where I’d rather be than standing with strangers on a packed subway train. Impossible to move around I get paranoid whether or not someone will try to pit pocket me.
“Jefferson Station,” say’s the train operator as I become gloomier due to I only have two more stops.
Kicking and screaming kids who don’t want to go to school block my melancholy thoughts and I wish I could join them in their tantrums. Losing him was the biggest mistake of my life and all because I have a hard time controlling my emotions; this could have been prevented. Monday’s on the train never seem to change not even with seasons; when it’s raining everyone smells of rain when it’s hot everyone makes the train musty while this Monday was odd to me. Nearing my stop I have this peculiar feeling of someone’s watching every move I make. Out of nowhere the train jerks sending bodies into railings and other bodies; I get pushed around and trampled by the cheap smelly suit men.
“Palmerton Station,” say’s the train operator, as only one more stop is between me and work; it’s not too late to turn around.
Quavering my hello into my phone the boss asks me to pick up coffee for him and his buddies; I can only say yes and press end on the phone.
“Remington/North Amber Station,” say’s the train operator and I gather my thoughts and make my way off the train.
Stepping out into the rain I open up my umbrella and walk to the nearest coffee shop and order the weakest tasting coffee that no one would want to drink. Tussling the tray of bad coffee, my umbrella, and my briefcase to the office was a challenge I could have done without on this morning of all mornings. Ultimately, I reached the old building with my hands tied up I put the coffee on the wet stone stoop and rummaged through my coat pocket. Vacantly I stared at a piece of torn notebook paper that someone on the train must have slipped in my pocket while being tossed around like a beach ball.
“Wishing you was here beside me. Let’s talk things out and we can fix our problems. I love you and can’t stand not seeing you everyday. You look so sad. Dinner tonight? Please. –Love, B,” as I read it over and over to myself trying to remember if he was on the train with me.
Xanadu evening with him again makes me smile to myself and rush up the stairs to drop off the coffee so I can sit at my desk and read his note over and over again with waves of hope filling me with warmth. Yammering of the office is blocked out of my mind today and the only thing I can focus on is this evenings dinner plans and the butterflies growing in my stomach. Zabaglione* in the center of the table we talked for hours on how to face our issues and though appearing at the restaurant alone I left that night with his hand in mine.


*italian dessert ;]

Saturday, May 17th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:...
Time:12:39 am.
Mood:Lost.
i have got to be the worst person alive right now. normally when your with someone your suppose to make them happy beyond belief. and me i do the opposite. what the hell is wrong with me? i've ran out of possible answers and i've ran out possible explanations but nothing is fixing me. it's my brain. i'm really starting to believe it's not functioning properly. it's getting worse than what it has been. i make stupid little fights or shall i say my brain does. i can't say that i try hard enough to prevent it but if your brain is messed up how can you keep the light switch from flickering on and off. maybe i should of accepted help from my dad back in the day and i would be fine now. i wouldn't be hurting people that i love. people that i love so much. I am ridiculous at times. I get angry for no reason. And i don't control my thoughts properly. I'm tired of freaking out around large masses of people. I'm tired of feeling one thing one moment to a total flipped side of that emotion. I really am broken. Thanks Mom for all those years of mental and physical abuse. You ruined me and know that your done your passing it onto me to ruin myself and a good happy life. I feel completely awful and i only have myself to blame. I can only blame myself for having one of the defected brains. This needs end. It needs to end right now or everything great amazing that i have now will be gone. I don't know who to talk to though. If i start explaining i don't want to be judged or ridiculed right away and be casted as a martyr. I just need someone to listen to my thoughts and feelings and what i think is going on and only hope if they really listened to me that they could help. I can't communicate well with friends or family. I'm pretty much ashamed to even say anything. When I was younger whenever i would tell my mom that something was wrong she'd always and i mean always say "Your fine, it's all in your head". I hated when she would say that to me. Hey guess what mom, i'm not fine! You know, for the first time ever, i've found someone that i'm comfortable with and wouldn't mind doing anything for them and i'm just sabotaging my happiness. i don't know why i do the things i do sometimes. i wish i knew the answer. I'm just sick of it. I need to change, i can't live like this anymore. There's got to be a solution somewhere. I will not be hopelessly deranged for the rest of my life. I'll actually end up going crazy if I keep this up. I don't want to. All I want it to be normal and have normal feelings like everyone else.

Friday, May 16th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:none
Time:6:21 pm.
Mood:like death.
your free to leave me but just don't deceive me just remember i'll love you, till the end of time. <x3

Monday, April 28th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:Gramma
Time:11:17 pm.
Mood: sad.
I just want to take a little time out of my horrendous homework pile hours and say goodbye to my Gramma. She was your typical grandma i suppose. It's been so long since she was actually my grandma and don't remember very much of anything we used to do. She had altzheimer's so the past 8 maybe 9 years she grew worse and up until now it was just a waiting game. When she was on the verge of remembering and not remembering my family somehow I alway's felt that she was still there.

The last Easter she came too she didn't talk to anyone, she just sat in a chair. Though my aunt kept reminding her who we were, I alway's thought maybe she does remember and she doesn't want to acknowledge anything. She beat the evil in her life. Evil being my grandfather. He was a nice grandpa to us kids, but to my grandmother over the years not what I would ever imagine in my life.

From what I heard, or shall I say over hearing my parents and aunt's conversation, my grandpa consistently cheated on her and it was obvious they were not happy. My mom blames him for my grandma being sick. She took many drugs, mind you back in the day you could get anything over the counter, just to ignore him and her feelings. I remember once she asked me if I wanted some candy and almost gave me some kind of pill instead, luckily my mom was there to correct her.

Though, I will alway's remember the time's I would come home from school and she would be there to walk me home. I will alway's remember going out to eat hot dogs with her at that place I can't remember. They don't exist anymore and i know it has green's in it (no not walgreens either). I will alway's remember she'd give me a dollar for no reason. She would always say 'It's not much, but we can pretend right?'..I'd agree and smile at her. I'll never forget going to A.C. Moores or other craft places.

I missed her then, I miss her now.

I love you Gramma

Thursday, April 3rd, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:Good things Good things Mozzel Mozzel
Time:3:37 pm.
Mood: stressed.
So, my week is almost over. I have two classes left to attend. I honestly dont know what i was thinking taking 6 classes with Portfolio in the mix. Though i must say I'm taking it better today than i did yesterday. Wednesdays is the biggest day of the week. Portfolio and then Art Direction. I had my first panic attack since i worked at A&P and was freaking out. Portfolio really takes a lot out of you. Though my teacher is really amazing and has a set schedual to get our portfolios done by week 9. Week 10 is our review with potential employers and teachers. Week 11 our teacher gives us our grades. I have an over whelming load of work. Luckily i have three easy classes that i dont have to do that much work for. Creative Writing, i already finished a 7page story thats due on monday. I also have photography that day but he's going to show us the camera's nxt wk so we dont have to have anything done yet. Art direction, haha ummm. I dont even know what's due nxt week. I'ma have to ask someone. She wasn't clear and neither is her syllabus. Tonight i have Media and Pop Culture and all we do is watch movies. I can do other work in that class. And tomorrow is my favorite class!!!!!!! BOOK ARTS! woot!! Ummm......So, yeah. I dont know have time to do things other than do work. Thinking about it,is making me start to panic. Bleh

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:So it's been awhile....
Time:11:16 pm.
Mood: excited.
Normally, this journal's purpose was always to get the anger and frustration out against the world. But tonight I feel like making it go towards a new route of my life.

I'm almost done with school. I'm finishing up my 10th quarter with only 2 more to go. I believe the graduation date is set on September 19th I heard someone say. I will be done with school (for now-i want to go for my masters one day)(yes, i can get a masters degree for being a graphic artist)(plus i'm awesome). Next quarter I have no time to goof off or have any fun. I have a full load of shit. I'm not looking forward to it but I am at the same time because there all awesome classes. Digital Photography, Creative Writing (soo excited for this), Professional Portfolio (already have that teacher and she said I can make a book! sweet deal but A LOT OF WORK!), Art Direction (don't know what's going on there), Media & Pop Culture (ha! it's easy and just that missing filler class i need to graduate in Sept.), AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST THE CLASS I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE I STARTED......BOOK ARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!(with my fav. teacher nonetheless!! I get to make some crazy shit, so brace yourself people).

So, thats my school life in a nut shell. Oh, yeah. The day after I have my first Portfolio class i have to show my portfolio to hundreds of people at a convention. NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.

Which my one week vacation is producing so much shit out of my ass like you wont believe. But it will give me something to do while Brian is at work along with all my other friends. :]

So, Brian is amazing. Not like anyone else I could ever possibly meet in my life. I'm so incredibly happy that I don't know what to do with it. I'm not used to it. I get scared and freak out sometimes but he's unbelieveably understanding. It shocks me that he hasn't left my crazy ass yet. ha!

I love him. <3

Saturday, March 15th, 2008

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Subject:hi
Time:2:26 am.
Mood: loved.
brian you are silly. n cant hear!

i love you reguardless

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

(Cough Cough Cough it up)

Time:10:45 pm.
Mood: complacent.
For some reason i'm missing him so much that it is actually killing me right now. I feel this sudden wave of depression and im just trying to repress these feelings of gloom and doom. Just to have one more moment right now with him would be the greatest thing i could ever dream up. It is all so crazy this love business. I dont like feeling like this. Feeling so open and naked to these feelings. I dont like being so submersive to anyone really anymore. I've found comfort in my isolation from the world and people. I've found drowning myself in my work is fullfilling and enjoyable. And get's things done right and perfect. Perfection is always key. And my work is the only thing I can say rightfully that goes anywhere near the lines of perfection. My mind body and spirit are far off from being anywhere close to perfection as hard as i try to accomplish the unattainable. I just wish he was around to come home to again. Everything felt just like it should and not abnormally wrong and horrendous. Will I ever get to see him again? Is a question I'm afraid to answer because I know a part of me want's to say No it's for the better that way...and the other part say's He's your soul mate and belong with him and you'll see him soon, just be patient. What if i'm tired of being patient? Why can't I be happy now and not later? Why cant I enjoy life with someone like everyone around me is? I guess it's a trend that i shouldn't follow. I never have so why try to start now?

My fear, To be alone forever...

LiveJournal for Samantha.

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